I consider many of my gay friends, especially those in the leather/SM subculture, as my family. These people are closer to me than my blood relatives. For all I care, after my mother leaves this earth, I never need contact any of my relations again. It's not that I don't like them or that there's bad blood between us, but there's just little in common uniting us. Being gay is part of the gap that separates us, although few of them may know. Perhaps some of my cousins are gay. Simply, I don't have any close feelings for them, we don't communicate, nor do I care what they may think about me. Scattered all over the east coast, they might as well be strangers; some I haven't seen for many years.

A sense of family is based in shared values. These are learned. Biological kinship has nothing to do with it. The leatherfolk with whom I choose to associate share my values. They are friends, lovers, aquaintances, associates in activism, etc. They, too, are scattered all over the country. Yet we are living a lifestyle that unites us, working for common goals. It is this family that offers its acceptance, nurture, constructive criticism and sometimes infighting. Yes, families do fight. Intimate knowledge of members often makes this fighting intense. The barriers of common courtesies afforded to strangers are dropped and the real emotions are bared.

By nature, human beings form and seek the company of families. But every culture has a different concept of family. Within western culture the concept of the family has changed radically throughout the centuries. Now the nature of familial relations and its structure are fast changing to fit the current social needs. Thus the argument, based on fear, that the family is falling apart is nonsense. However, the right wing's narrow, nuclear view of the family is threatened. "Family Values" is their buzzword for an outmoded way of life, considering no choice for alternatives. Only the institution of dictatorship and curtailment of civil liberties could stop these changes.

Families do have problems. We hear today of dysfunctional families in which the strokes that everyone needs to affirm self are mostly negative, thus they function, but poorly. Results do not match intent. Beneath the bullshit and games that make up the family relationships still lies love, however difficult to express or perverted its expression. Families can be supportive and nurturant of individual growth or they can be stiffling prisions of the soul. The ideal family is a refuge from the world, not a fearful dictatorship or bastion of bigotry. Too many gay people know the latter and so seek to create their own.

Those of us who live alternative lifestyles usually have extended families. Tarheel Leather Club is also a family, as are many social organizations sufficiently small that all members can know each other. Perhaps we are a closer family because we are different, we deviate from the social norms; we must stick together. We are defined by the group as we attempt to redefine it and ourselves. Yet each of us strives for independence and individuality within and without the group. This causes conflicts. We fight passionately over strongly held beliefs about what is right for self and the group. Still, we do this out of love; love of self, love of the family/group, love of the cause that unites us. In short, we care, otherwise we would not be a part of this family.